Looking Back
Adam, his brother Andre and I summer of 2005
When “live journal” first became a part of Adam’s life, I was in awe at how he ripped himself open for all the world to see. As I begin the task of opening up here, I realize that which was a torrent for him, is coming in droplets for me.
I notice that I now often live my life looking backwards. Before Adam died, I was suffering from an empty nest syndrome. As much as the experience of raising two sons was all-consuming and daunting at times, it was full of energy and drama. I missed the raw energy. I even googled, “empty nest” and “regret.” Not surprisingly there were many entries. I found comfort knowing that the two go hand in hand and that it wasn’t just my poor adjustment.
With Adam’s suicide, the regret is even more painful. I can’t help but see all of the moments when I was asleep. Moments I missed.
However, I do feel blessed that Adam and I had a very deep friendship. I would have said we were confidants – although he did not let me in to the deepest part of himself at the end. We often reflected on how much we enjoyed one another. I consider that a gift. I’m so grateful that he was such a demonstrative person. With Adam, there was no room for doubt about where he stood. If he loved you, you knew it.
I thank him for that.
