What Caused Adam’s Suicide?
Suicide is permanent. Yet it often occurs in a moment or moments of a temporary crisis. Someone once said that suicide occurs when someone’s pain exceeds their resources for coping with pain. During those moments when Adam contemplated suicide as a solution, his internal resources were depleted.
Maybe it seems trivial to talk about lack of sleep. But three days without sleep can bring on hallucinations and delusions. Combine lack of sleep with ritalin. And too much Ritalin at that, and you now have a medically documented suicide risk. An overdose or a sudden crash on Ritalin has been known to cause suicidal thoughts. Combine that with a glass or two of alcohol, and you have a lethal soup.
The scarey aspect of Adam’s suicide is that he was a happy person, a successful student, well liked, well loved, and had dreams and aspirations. Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among young people: ages 20-24, and young men are six times more likely to commit suicide than young women.
Why is that? Is it the reckless behavior that is often natural in young men? Is it the fact that they do not always confide and seek emotional support when they are grappling with an emotional crisis?
At the moment when Adam took that final action, he had no resources to cope with the pain he was in. But why was he in so much pain? We will never really know for sure, but I have my answer… and I will always believe that the combination of lack of sleep, Ritalin and alcohol created a toxic ideation and killed my son.
Out of the Darkness 2008
On October 26th we walked to raise funds for suicide prevention. It was a beautiful sunny day on the beach, and the atmosphere was sad but loving. I was reflecting on my beautiful son, Adam who committed suicide on Jan 11. I still experience a jolt when I realize that he is dead. I do believe that his spirit lives, thus the name of our team.
If you are suicidal, there is a phone number to call: it is 1-800-273-TALK. Please call. Please stay alive. You are more important than you will ever know. Life is beautiful and the hard time will pass. I will be missing Adam for the rest of my life.
In Adam’s Honor, Please Help Me
My son, Adam Szychowski committed suicide on January 11, 2008. In his honor and in the hope that we can prevent such a tragedy from occurring again, I have formed a team to walk on October 26th in Siesta Key, Florida. People may also be walking in Manchester and Fairfield Connecticut in his honor.
I hope that you will consider walking with me. If you cannot walk, please consider sponsoring me or another walker. This is an extremely important cause.
For more information, please click on the link for the Sarasota walk on the right.
Why Did It Happen?
When someone asks how Adam died, I say that he took his own life.
Adam at 9 months
The silence that follows is loaded. The person is often thinking about the ‘why’ and the ‘how.’ As for the “how” – what difference does it really make. Death is never pretty. And it is our morbid curiosity that wants the details. But the ‘why.’ This is what we must ask ourselves. How else can we learn, and help to prevent it from happening again. From the first day that this tragedy occurred, I have tried to understand the reasons.
There are many layers to the answer. There is the immediate time in which his suicide took place. There are the days leading up to his suicide, and there is his entire life.
This post may take me a while to complete… because as I undertake it, I realize how difficult it is. I’ll continue this thread later.
Looking Back
Adam, his brother Andre and I summer of 2005
When “live journal” first became a part of Adam’s life, I was in awe at how he ripped himself open for all the world to see. As I begin the task of opening up here, I realize that which was a torrent for him, is coming in droplets for me.
I notice that I now often live my life looking backwards. Before Adam died, I was suffering from an empty nest syndrome. As much as the experience of raising two sons was all-consuming and daunting at times, it was full of energy and drama. I missed the raw energy. I even googled, “empty nest” and “regret.” Not surprisingly there were many entries. I found comfort knowing that the two go hand in hand and that it wasn’t just my poor adjustment.
With Adam’s suicide, the regret is even more painful. I can’t help but see all of the moments when I was asleep. Moments I missed.
However, I do feel blessed that Adam and I had a very deep friendship. I would have said we were confidants – although he did not let me in to the deepest part of himself at the end. We often reflected on how much we enjoyed one another. I consider that a gift. I’m so grateful that he was such a demonstrative person. With Adam, there was no room for doubt about where he stood. If he loved you, you knew it.
I thank him for that.
