Journey
The journey through grief is a windy road. The twists and turns continue throughout our lives. When the loss is new, the pain is excruciating.
I remember standing outside and looking up at the sky and pleading for Adam to come back… pleading for him to reveal himself. Where did he go? I saw him in the eagles soaring, the rabbits, the reflection of sunlight on the water. Every drop of nature reflected Adam to me. The air seemed to form tiny crystals and I saw him in them. I felt the breeze like his breath. I believed in all of these manifestations and they comforted me.
The pain eased. It now comes in the form of a wave… unexpected reminders that stir the embers. Sometimes a rogue wave will hit me and I call out to him. The shower is a great place for this… the sound of my cry disguised by the running water. Emerging to blow dry and dress… tears washed away for the moment.
The worst part of grief as the years pass is the missing. Missing his voice, his skin, his laughter and all of the traits that were uniquely Adam’s.
I am dredging today – because tomorrow I walk for suicide prevention and I am remembering. I will see the sorrow on the faces of the other survivors and they will see mine. I will remember Adam. My beautiful son, who left this earth too soon.
