Appreciating the OtherGround
Wrestling was an important part of Adam’s life. When he was 15, he joined the high school wrestling team. His interest in martial arts prompted him to started posting in an on-line community call the OtherGround Forum, at a mixed martial arts website www.mixedmartialarts.com. Read more
In Adam’s Honor, Please Help Me
My son, Adam Szychowski committed suicide on January 11, 2008. In his honor and in the hope that we can prevent such a tragedy from occurring again, I have formed a team to walk on October 26th in Siesta Key, Florida. People may also be walking in Manchester and Fairfield Connecticut in his honor.
I hope that you will consider walking with me. If you cannot walk, please consider sponsoring me or another walker. This is an extremely important cause.
For more information, please click on the link for the Sarasota walk on the right.
Why Did It Happen?
When someone asks how Adam died, I say that he took his own life.
Adam at 9 months
The silence that follows is loaded. The person is often thinking about the ‘why’ and the ‘how.’ As for the “how” – what difference does it really make. Death is never pretty. And it is our morbid curiosity that wants the details. But the ‘why.’ This is what we must ask ourselves. How else can we learn, and help to prevent it from happening again. From the first day that this tragedy occurred, I have tried to understand the reasons.
There are many layers to the answer. There is the immediate time in which his suicide took place. There are the days leading up to his suicide, and there is his entire life.
This post may take me a while to complete… because as I undertake it, I realize how difficult it is. I’ll continue this thread later.
Looking Back
Adam, his brother Andre and I summer of 2005
When “live journal” first became a part of Adam’s life, I was in awe at how he ripped himself open for all the world to see. As I begin the task of opening up here, I realize that which was a torrent for him, is coming in droplets for me.
I notice that I now often live my life looking backwards. Before Adam died, I was suffering from an empty nest syndrome. As much as the experience of raising two sons was all-consuming and daunting at times, it was full of energy and drama. I missed the raw energy. I even googled, “empty nest” and “regret.” Not surprisingly there were many entries. I found comfort knowing that the two go hand in hand and that it wasn’t just my poor adjustment.
With Adam’s suicide, the regret is even more painful. I can’t help but see all of the moments when I was asleep. Moments I missed.
However, I do feel blessed that Adam and I had a very deep friendship. I would have said we were confidants – although he did not let me in to the deepest part of himself at the end. We often reflected on how much we enjoyed one another. I consider that a gift. I’m so grateful that he was such a demonstrative person. With Adam, there was no room for doubt about where he stood. If he loved you, you knew it.
I thank him for that.
Last Words
Adam called me at 2:30. I was with a client, saw that it was him, and let it roll over.
Adam & Mom in Key West
He called again at 2:45. I answered the call, and told him I was with a client. I asked if everything was ok. He said, “Yeah Mom… it’s great! Carl just left. We had a great few days.” I asked if we could talk more when I was done, and he said, “Oh sure Mom! How long will that be?” I answered that it would be about an hour or so.
As I left Boca Grande, it was around 4:30. I called him from the causeway. The sky was golden and it was reflected in golden water. As we talked, I described the scene to him, since he always loved Boca Grande as much as I did. He said, “Tell me more, Mom.” I described the railroad trestle in the distance, where we had fished one day. He said, “I’ve got my eyes closed and I’m picturing it.”
I had a thought … that this was one of the most beautiful conversations I’d ever had with Adam. What I did not know was that it would be our last.
